S-T-R-U-G-G-L-E

The last several weeks have been a struggle to say the least.  I have gained weight and lost weight.  Overall I am down 2 Lbs.  This is very exciting since last week I was up 6 1/2 Lbs.  This week I did my much dreaded taxes.  I was dreading the fact that I might owe the government several thousand dollars.  When everything was said and done I was to receive $3600.  This is both exciting and terrifying!  And let me tell you why!

Exciting:  Who isn't excited about the prospect of their wallet fattening by $3600.  This will enable me to pay off some debt, put some money in savings, and buy some plane tickets for some trips I have planned this summer.

Terrifying:  About those trips.........

Trip #1: Colorado River: Several months ago, my best friend from High School and I were talking about getting together for a weekend trip at her families house on the Colorado River.  As the time has gotten closer I have been thinking I could get out of the trip because I "couldn't afford it".  But the $3600 burning a hole in my pocket is forcing me to follow through on my commitments.  Now let me just tell you about her.  She got married at 20 years old to a great guy.  They have 4 beautiful children, and she has the body she had in high school.  Not to mention long blond luxurious hair.  I on the other hand, am 130 Lbs heavier than I was in High School.  I have hair extensions, because my fine limp hair has never enabled me to have the long locks I have always wanted. So....needless to say, in 6 weeks I will be on the river (dont forget about the part where I have to wear a bathing suit) with her and her family for an entire weekend.  Not to mention, our other two friends who also have the bodies they had in high school are coming with their children as well.  I know this shouldn't bother me, but usually when I see them it is for an hour over breakfast during Christmas break.  I am so ashamed I have become the person I am, and this is what bothers me.  I want to change, so I am not embarrased to be around them.  I know they love me for who I am, but that doesn't mean that I love me for who I am.  Icant help but think that in the back of their mind they are thinking.  "If Candace would just lose weight I am sure she could find a husband," and I know its true, and that makes me sad!

Trip #2: Family Reunion in Michigan:  I know this doesn't sound that bad.  But let me tell you about my family.  My dads family are all over achievers.  They are very successfull, and they are all thin.  The family reunion is going to take place on Lake Michigan and again I will be wearing a bathing suit in front of my family member's that I dont know very well, and this depresses me.

Trip#3: Kendras Wedding: A couple of nights ago, my good friend called me and she is getting married.  I have until August to be comfortable in my own skin at her wedding.  I want to feel good for the wedding, so I can enjoy it. 

Well, I better run, I need to do some sit-ups and get online and buy some plane tickets!